“There are two of me...One does the right thing, one cannot see...” Certainly, this is true, to some extent, for me. But I don’t delve into the spiritual meaning of the song. I assume each one of us struggles with right and wrong, good and bad. I’m not talking about split personalities, either. But still, there are two “me’s”. One is the passive, melancholic person. The other is a high-spirited, competitive lady. I’ve thought about this duality.
I’m passive at all times. I lack initiative. I don’t really initiate a conversation with another person. In our room for example, I even have to wait a while before I ask or talk to our professor. Call it shyness...I don’t know. But this was me – a part of my self I couldn’t let go. Because of this lack of initiative, I’m not really adventurous. In fact, there were times when I consider myself a loner. I enjoy doing things all by myself rather than with someone else. I don’t even have the courage to try something new. I always prefer to work with facts, for the tried and tested things. I hate unplanned and disorganized activities. I told my friend once that if I ever arrange a gathering, I’d probably spend half of my life preparing. That’s what I did last year. It took me two months just to plan a surprise party for my parents...Weird, huh? Maybe it’s because I’m a perfectionist. I still remember during my high school, my friends usually invite me to go out, watch movies and shop. They were my friends, of course. But I don’t feel like going so I keep on telling them “Sorry, my mother didn’t allowed me to go with you. Maybe, we could hang out some other time”...What an alibi, huh? Well, I can say I was really a home buddy.
Of course, all this passive stuff doesn’t happen all the time. Again, in our room, I finally searched the right word to start the conversation with my professor. Yeah, my assertive personality comes out. Usually, the competitive lady stays inside me. But the confident person isn’t always inside. Somehow, the lady finds her way out, especially when I’m totally at ease or when I’m dealing with something I’m comfortable with. I’ve been a leader in some groups. For instance, during my high school, I was appointed as our class president. Not just that, I, too, have been the editor-in-chief of our school publication for three consecutive years. I also won some competitions I’ve joined. During those times, the confident lady was in control. She took center stage. I don’t know if you can call it “two of me” but that’s how I feel...for now, at least.
If I were to ask, I’d say it’s all about being self-conscious...I don’t want to look like a fool in front of people. I don’t rush into unfamiliar things but when I’m in familiar territory, then I can hang loose. I’m not interested in setting up an activity but if given the chance, I take responsibility. I see to it that everything is well organized. But everything starts out as new, doesn’t it? There’s a first time for everything... Definitely, that’s true. So I guess I still have tough time adjusting to things, events, places and people. But when I’ve totally “blended” with whatever I’m encountering, then the confidence level gets a big boost.
